Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
