As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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