he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
