Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Pants are for mortals
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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