I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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