walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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