White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
