I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
