The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm passing your future prison.
should my penis look like a turkey
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
