sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
