Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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