I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
