Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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