Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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