I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And then he peed in my hair
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