i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
