Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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