He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
