Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
