When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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