It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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