Jerry, you need to find god
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
