Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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