Already got asked if we're dating
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
