I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize