Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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