I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
