Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
