Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize