6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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