oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize