Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
