im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
