Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize