the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
