ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
