Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
only if we run a train.
done.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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