I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
