I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
