dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
