I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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