I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
