you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize