she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
