I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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