I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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