I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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