I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize