do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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