WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
