I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize