My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
