when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
