dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
