So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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