His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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