Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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