Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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