You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize