I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
