I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
