She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
