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He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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