When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
try to milk me bitch
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
