I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
